Valentines – an ode to being single
In the aftermath of February 14 there is a bland taste on my tongue I cannot seem to swallow or suppress.
I’ve never been someone to celebrate Valentines day very much, others than indulging in fun activities with my man, you know, love can’t be bought but shared… But this year it’s somehow different.
First of all, I’m single. D’oh. But I don’t think that’s why I’m depressed today. I actually enjoy being single! Are you kidding me!?? A big bed all to myself, a clean apartment all the time (not that my boyfriends have been excessively dirty but it’s different if you are bothered by your own things or others), eating healthy (no more spending excessive amounts of money on take out but prepping healthy meals at home!), and a lot of valuable me time. If I’m bored I have to get active – no more waiting on someone else to do stuff with me.
So all-together, this should be a happy day celebrating the love of life for us single people. So why is it not?!
You know I totally admit spending an enormous time on Facebook. Don’t want to, don’t plan on, but it happens. Today though I only see people who are so darn happily in love, have a family, children, or are pregnant, parents-to-be, getting engaged or other disgusting things.
Listen to me. It’s really not like me to be this cynical. But somehow I just want to yell “This could be me!” “Why is this not me?”
Any relationship I am in – especially the recent ones – I am completely, utterly, a hundred percent loyal, committed and devoted. Supportive, loving and open. Reliable and independent. I thought these were good qualities. While tons of my friends were single I was the one most likely to start a family soon, getting married, etc. After all, I was pretty clear to my significant others that this is what I wanted.
Fast forward to today. A 3 1/2 and a 4 year relationship later, shared apartments, having pets with each other, being engaged (!), compromises, promises, and a long time of waiting (on my part) I am where I started seven years ago. Single. No kids. No family. No husband. No shared dreams, no best friend, no travel partner (ok Sarah, we’re still going to Portland!), no smiling little faces to love, nothing I actually cared and worked so hard for.
While many of my previous single friends are proudly showcasing their round bellies, engagement rings, or family photos, I can’t help to feel disappointed. I’m not blaming anyone, but.. it’s just doesn’t seem fair. My last relationship ended after I suddenly found out he didn’t want to have kids at all (yea, surprise!) and the one before because my fiancé cheated on my like what, three times? Four? And those were only the ones I knew of.
Time to pull myself together and out of this misery. Doesn’t bring anything to let this pull me down, but I’m happy I actually got to the root of my nagging feelings about Valentines Day. Thanks for letting me rant.
Back to enjoying being single. And although I cannot see myself dating anyone anytime soon, fixing myself and getting over disappointment and becoming stronger is the new hot thing right now. Can’t wait to sit in my awesome, big bed, dipping some apple slices in almond butter, planning my next road trip & watching a hot Fox Mulder solving some X Files on Netflix.